Frustration leads to hopeless...

So for the past two weeks Lily has been lame. It has teetered from off to down right three legged. No heat, no swelling, no abscess no nothing. So after exhausting what I thought my possibilities were (putting on front shoes) I called the vet. After blocking her in two places and doing x-rays out the whazoo...we came up with nothing except she has arthritis and needs more heel support. I am at a loss...

For 4 years now I have been patiently waiting to have the horse of my dreams. She has always been there physically but this year was going to be our year to show and go places and actually do the stuff that for the past 22 years I have wanted to do with my horse. I feel defeated in the all the hard work, long hours, unconditional love and all the progress have just some how poured down the drain when actually it hasn't. I haven't gotten the answer that she is crippled or has a suspensory tear or has navicular changes. I have a let's try this and see if it works because there is nothing obviously wrong. But that in itself just is defeating...I wish I knew what it was that wrong so I could fix it.

I don't want to show just to show. I want to show for the world to see what a great team Lily and I are. To have everyone see the relationship that has blossomed over the past 4 years and what a great bond we have. And it is funny as I write this I can't help but tear up and realize that happened today. During our appointment I realized what a bond we do have. When she was getting her nerve blocked how she just buried her head in my chest and licked my arm and never once moved while Dr. Skip did his thing. Not once but twice...they never even thought to put a twitch on her because she was just so good. Then as we were waiting for the block to take effect I crouched down in the indoor and Lily comes right up and puts her head right by me assuring me that it was okay. And then as they did x-rays she was moved on and off blocks and around the wash bay and she just kept her ear on me listening for my reassurance that she was doing good.

Maybe its not the obvious milestones I am looking for. Maybe it is instances like today that make you realize how 4 years can build a bond where you look to each other for support in tough times. I have always been lucky that I have never had to go through this with other horses and maybe I wouldn't have been able to. I always thought Pickles was my rock but I am realizing maybe I discredited Lily with having a bond like Pickles and I have. I know there are many horse people who feel the way I do and there are many who don't. All of the emotions and heart and soul you pour in everyday because the love that you have for them. Anything I can do for Lily I will and I know she feels the same. I guess time will tell and I am hoping there is an "Everything happens for a reason" to this speed bump we have encountered. Who knows in 3 weeks I could be writing about how she has recovered 110% and doing better than ever. Here is to not feeling hopeless and positive thinking from this point forward.

I hate "Off"

So after Lily having 4 days off and being so good the week before I went out to the barn last night with high expections of getting in a good ride. I went out to get her with pups and she greeted me at the gate awaiting her stud muffin. She was her usaully baby self and picked up my groom tote several times while grooming and threw brushes and hoof picks around the aisle while I tacked up. I headed to the rung because after a couple days of rest she usaully "works" really well.

I proceed to hop on and walk around a couple of times and do some bending and she seems a little sticky in her feet and doesn't really offer to go forward. So I pick up the trot and she feels weird. I keep going and I can feel it is behind but it isn't enough to tell what is going on. I ask Keith to video for a bit and he says it looks like left hind. I watch the video and am not 100% sold. So I go ahead and try and push her through it and work for about 20 minutes with it getting a little better until we do our cool out where it felt like she was about to die. She was a slug... so I have Jonathan watch her and he says left hind as well but she isn't lame just "off".

So I will venture back out today hoping for improvement or for it to be worse. Either way iI will be happy but I hate the off factor. Either be lame or don't....LOL. So depending on what way it goes she will either get some bute or work :)

it's the little things....

So it has been almost 2 weeks since Pickles has gone to Apex to be Chloe's pony...Honestly I thought this would be so much harder. But it is so rewarding actually. Chloe does a great job of sending me texts and posting pictures to Facebook so I get to see my pony almost as much as I did in real life. I thought that I would worry and stress about Pickles behaving or if she was getting enough attention but seeing how much that little girl already loves that pony, I just can't help but be overwhelmed with joy. They had their first jumping lesson and Pickles was a star (like I expected less...HA!) Just knowing everything I wanted for her is falling to place, even though it might seem so small, makes a world of difference.

I have begun to notice little changes in Lily since Pickles has been MIA. I don't know why these changes are taking place but I love them. Lily has always been Miss Social Butterfly and seems to get into everything in her reach but lately it has been magnified. I feel that she is more interactive and focused on me and she craves attention and wants to be around me all the time. She sees me walking towards her pasture and her head is up in 2.2 seconds and she is heading towards the gate to meet me. I have always carried cookies around so that hasn't changed or had an impact, I don't think. But even getting tacked up, or groomed or bathed she is all about me and wants to interact with me way more than she used to! I love it!!!

I also find myself enjoying her more. Yes I want to show and yes she is a very nice horse that will be competitive but I am doing more of the fun stuff I used to do with only Pickles with her. I will go out and grab her from the pasture, throw on halter and lead and then take a trail ride with the pups, something I usually never did with her. Or I will do ground work for 20 minutes and then hop on and toodle bareback. It isn't the work ethic of we need to go jump courses or get her to use herself more, even though those are important things. It is hey lets just hang out and go maybe munch some grass while I sit on you and the doggies run around in the pasture.

So now that I have taken some big stressors out of my life I am starting to slow down enough to enjoy the little things. So whether it be enjoying the little posts about Pickles or Lily's little antics....I have realized its the little things that make everyday so special. Now if I could only transfer this to my like outside of horses I would be golden :)!!!!

Loss and Gain

So as I usually start off how much time I don't have to devote the this blog to see my progress and where I am going with my riding and horses in general. What spurs me to eventually get on here is my friend Becca who is religious about posting and they inspire me to put 10 minutes away to take a step back and blog...

This has been an interesting month to say the least. I will first focus on Pickles....On Saturday Pickles and I made the journey to Apex, NC to see if she would be a good fit for a 12 year old girl to free lease since I just don't have enough time to ride both her and Lily. My heart had been torn in 20 different directions making the decision to let someone else have my baby. Putting my selfishness aside and looking out for what is best for Pickles I decided to see where it all went.

We pull up at a really nice farm and I unload Pickles and I can see that her new lessor Chloe is busting at the seams! We take Pickles in and let her have some time in the stall for water and hay and then we tack up so I can ride before Chloe. Pickles knew Chloe was a bit smaller than me and was more than accommodating at putting her head lower for her to be bridled and brushed. We went out to the arena filled with huge jumper jumps and cross country jumps outside. I hacked around on a loose rein to give her every opportunity to be silly and she was a princess! I hopped off and Chloe jumped on. I have never seen a kid ride Pickles and my heart was overwhelmed with joy as I watched her walk, trot and canter around perfectly with this perfect 12 year old rider and they looked just lovely. I was a proud mom to say the least. I left the barn knowing that this pony will be loved by a little girl every day and I couldn't be happier.

On the way home Keith was telling me about the comments that the trainer had made about Pickles. He asked if I was a trainer because he knew I had broke the pony to ride and she was really nice and trained for only being 6. Needless to say this made me feel big for my britches and I was glowing. At that point I felt recognition for the past 5 years I had invested in her and it was from a complete stranger! So needless to say I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and no longer will I go out to the barn and feel guilty for not being able to fuss for hours over both girls. Chloe keeps me updated everynight on what her and Pickles are doing and I am looking forward to their progress together!

I started changing some things with Lily over the past 2 weeks. I bought a Back on Track saddle pad and added my sheepskin and thinline to our saddle padding in hopes that I can get her to reach from behind more and use her back. I am not sure if it is me, or her or our tack so I am just a changing it all :) I also put her in a hollow mouth eggbutt. So with the tack changes made I have also made a schedule....a very loose schedule but one none the less.

One day we hack in the pasture - no collection, no equitation, nothing fancy. Just trotting and cantering up and down the fields as fast or slow as she wants, occasionally eating grass.

One day is ground work - Focusing on turns on the forehand and haunches, side passes, stepping up form behind and softening in the rope halter. This ends usually with me toodling around bareback in a halter and lead just because

One day we do hunter stuff and one day we get down and dirty with some dressage and then a trail ride walk around aimlessly day!

Over all it seems to be working great. I can feel improvement on the days we really work because every other exercise has the parts to make a whole. Conditioning, suppleness and mental wellness!!! Last night I was working on myself and quieting my mid section which tends to get a little loosey goosey when I sit the trot. Michelle told me to tighten my abs up instead of in and immediately I felt a difference both in me and Lily. She really started to step from behind and give me the impulsion I had been desperately seeking. It was only for a couple strides but it felt amazing. I wanted more but decided to be happy with a pleasant bit of brilliance then push the envelope to get more! Hopefully on a track to success and being able to show in May!!!!

Everything has a Purpose

I write this after having a great weekend with my ponies! I realize that just because I am getting Lily ready to show it doesn't mean that Pickles needs to be on the same path to success. I don't think that Pickles is going to be going to any shows and although it is good for her to have basics it doesn't mean that I need to hold her to the standrds I hold Lily. Pickles LOVES groundwork and trailriding more so than the dressage and jumping. And while she will do the other two she just doesn't seem good at it. She will jump anything I put in front of her but I just don't see us ever going to do the jumpers as I had previously imagined.

With funds not being ample at the moment I need to focus on Lily and maybe use Pickles as my decompressor. Take her for walks around the farm and trail rides with the pups. Hop on bareback and toodle around and not worry if we are where we are supposed to be in my plan. I will of course still let Lily have off days where we dont work on staying in a frame and moving off leg.

It is funny how these things just come to you and you see the world in a different light. Jess and I went on a trailride with the dogs after I had an amazing ride on Lily. I just hopped on Pickles and off we went. Through mud and creeks and trees and she just seemed so happy without a care in the world. Ears forward and walking with anticipation of what might be around the next bend (while occasionally nipping Scoops in the rear). Horses definately have to love their jobs and while she doesn't hate the other stuff, she definately loves toodling with me on sunny days :)

So for the spring and summer at least Pickles has been repurposed to my trail pony and whatever other fun things pop up....

Seeing is Believing

After realizing that there is enough time in the day to ride BOTH girls I have taken on the task of actually doing it :) I had great rides on Thursday and Friday the girls got off as it was date night with the boy. So Saturday we went to the barn because it was beautiful weather! After a quick walk with the dogs, Keith and I venture out to grab the girls. I get Lily and he gets his favorite Pickles <3 Groomed away as their hair is coming out in clumps from the weather changing and then tacked up Lily to go ride.

Now it has been quite some time since I have actually had a trainer. Honestly probably Hollins is the last time I took an actual lesson to work on me and my position and all the technical things that go along with riding. I have taken her to D John's a handful of times in the past two years for problems I have been running into but never the work of an actual lesson. They had been more of a this is how you fix this problem and here are some exercises to take home for your tool belt. So I don't really get to hear or see any progress that I have made or even if we are heading in the right direction.

So I was fortunate enough to ride when Michelle was riding and she videos her rides!!!! So I actually got to see what Lily and I look like. I was so pleased with what I saw :) We had a major break through in getting her to step up and use herself the other week when I applied my outside aids more than I normally do. I have to defiantly hold her through everything or else I just end up pushing her out with no support. So after a nice warm up I worked on having her really hold herself and step up into a Nice big trot. I usually post but find that if I sit she has more loft and impulsion from my seat and leg. So I would really drive her for one side of the arena and then let it go. It was so awesome so be able to see what I need to improve on and what I am feeling actually looks good!

So I am really excited to see the results from the past 2 years. Lily has really turned out to be a nice horse and I hope to continue to make the progress we have made each day. I am thinking that I might go out and get my own video camera so that I can tape myself more often and monitor the progress that I am making. ALSO on another note....Seeing myself on camera I am not as much of a chunk as I thought I was!!!!

Back on track...

So I love how I can read others blogs for hours but never find time to post about my own. I have started posting them to FB and it is funny because the things that I vent about or realize on this translate to others who might be going through the same things. So besides it being an important avenue for me to let everything out I might find that there are others out there going through the same things....

After a weekend of doing everything none horse related including going to a drag race with the boy, and taking Monday off to help a friend who just lost her mother, Tuesday crept up and I realized I hadn't seen the ponies since THURSDAY! Well Pickles had a spell of not feeling to well on Sunday so I ran by for a brief moment but I hadn't done much more than shove a cookie in their faces and went about my merry way to clean my house...

So Tuesday night rolls around and I am expecting wild ponies from the Amazon so I plan to do groundwork in the indoor since the ring is still a bit wet and well it was dark and kinda windy and well I wanted to do both ponies and didnt want to tack up...excuses, excuses. So I get Miss Lily out and I can already tell she is on her A game. All attention on me! I go back to basics and get the carrot stick out and do the Parelli games because sometimes it is good to go through everything and not just new stuff. She did great and we went over them for about 20 minutes breaking loose and moving correctly. I get the wild hair to do side passes down the wall to make it easier for me and to really make her perform the movement. WOW! Apparently she was not as supple and relaxed as I thought. Her feet were stumbling and she couldn't get in a good rhythm or coordinate at all. She got super frustrated and a bit anxious. So I backed off pushing so much and changed direction and we started again. This time I let her figure out where her feet were and she lifted through her shoulder and back and started to soften. I did it about 2 more times each way and then hopped on bareback and toodled for another 10 minutes. It was great to find a problem and fix it in a matter of 15 minutes!

Had the same game plan for Pickles but well she is such a pro at all the groundwork she was doing it before I even got the chance to ask. Silly pony :) So I free lunged her for about 10 minutes and then hopped on and cantered around for a couple of times and then called it a night. I have been trying to lease her out because I just don't have time for both. And I have a sneaking suspicion that Miss Picks would really enjoy a little girl to tote around. She is a sassy pony but a good sassy.

Michelle and I discussed going to some CHSC shows and doing some jumping. I am so impatient that I suggested even though Lily is a hunter that we go first thing in the morning and do the jumpers (as hunters) because the classes I would show in are the last of the day. I am just not good at waiting around the show all day so I would rather just go get experience and go slow then do the whole tied to a trailer for the day non-sense. So there is a PHJA and CHSC in April and we will shoot for one or both of those depending on if I can stick to getting out to the barn :)

Did I lose focus?

So ever since moving the ponies to their new barn and getting my new boy I find myself not going out to the barn every single day. I have been enjoying other things in life that I was unable to because I was always in a self care situation or running around getting grain, hay or feeding, cleaning stalls etc. So lately I have been feeling kind of guilty for not going out the 7 days a week that I used to. Now I go out about 4 to 5 times a week and somedays I ride and somedays I don't.

I feel as though maybe I have lost my focus or maybe need to set goals to get back on track...or do I? I have not been this content with thing in a while. Sure there are bad things that happen daily with work or one of the ponies being naughty, but overall life is good. I want to show but really don't have to show. So when I ride I work on different things with the girls but we really don't have a "direction". I know I want to just do the hunters with Lily and maybe do the Ark series with Pickles but other than that I really don't have the desire to show big like I did two years ago. I am really not sure why now....

I constantly question why this change has happened and maybe it is a good thing. Before my life was horses 24/7 and now my life is well my life. I have wonderful friends that I get to hang out with and go bowling and out to eat and on trips with. I don't fret or worry about the horses needing something because Michelle takes care of everything. I have focused more on work and growing in my career, but still I feel a twinge of guilt for not being at the barn ALL the time. Maybe it will pass with time and I truly will jut get to enjoy my horses as I have been. I guess my devotion 24/7 doesn't mean I don't love the big girls, it is just I found more to love outside of the barn.

Maybe once it warms up I will revert back to my old ways of being a barn brat, but for now I will be content with what I have :)

Times Flies

So things have been going great with the ponies and it is funny how much life changes as you go through it. I used to spend countless hours at the barn on the weekends or running around doing errands for the ponies. Well since I have taken the step to full boarding my life has become full of other things that I enjoy just as much as the ponies.

I go out to the barn every night during the week unless there is something super pressing that I must attend to. Keith heads out there with my each night and has completely taken over Pickles and the two of them couldn't be happier. Having help withe girls has been amazing because I no longer feel as though someone is getting the short end of the stick. He has been learning everything from the ground up and it really makes a difference in how he interacts with the horses! They got Thursday through Sunday off and then this week I go out of town for 3 nights! I am hoping Keith will be able to get out to the barn and mess with the ponies some to make sure that they don't think I have abandoned them.

Although I am not riding every night they at least get lunged or ground work for 20 to 30 minutes. I think it is good for their brain to take breaks and do some new and interesting stuff rather than go round and round with me asking for them to bend and flex and do this and that. More so playing with me in the arena and learning desired tricks (such as lead changes). The girls are getting fit and I hope by March I can get to a show :)

I went to my first Ark eventing show. I must say I  think that I would be able to it with Pickles. The Intro dressage tests looked like a piece of cake and the 2' jumps were not that scarey. Keith, Daphne, Ramona and I all went to support Jessica Wilson and Athena. They did such a wonderful job and I am so proud of them. It is so hard to break a horse yourself and realize the milestones you make.

So there's this girl....

So today has been a crapshoot kinda day and I am majorly PMSing so it is not strange for random things to annoy me. I am not sure why really but the new Admin person that started this week  keeps wanting to eat lunch with me. I only take 15 minutes because if I take longer well it is hard for me to get back to the grind. First two days were fine but for some reason I just don't want to have lunch with her. Anyone who knows me realizes I am very bad at just saying what is on my mind. So I tried to avoid her today by eating at a different time. Well she found me....

Usually I can talk for hours to a wall but I have no interest in this girl at all. I don't wanna hear about her kids or her husband or where she came from or what she is doing. Hell I don't even want to talk about myself or my 4 legged kids. Not really sure what the heck is going on... So I am debating moving to the other break room to eat lunch or eat at my desk. I think some of it stems from missing Tracy. I just haven't been the same since she left and I would rather sit by myself then with anyone else. I am sure I will get over it but for now it is bothering me...

Busting at the seams...

Wow two posts in one day, after no posts for 2 months!

So this will be about the ponies. I have started Pickles on the Succeed program because she is a cribber and I want to make sure that it doesn’t adversely affect her health and I also want to eliminate any possibility of gastric upset or stress due to the cribbing. It is really expensive but I am already starting to see small signs of improvement so I can’t wait to see after 60 days because it has only been 2 weeks! I actually really rode Pickles for the first time on Sunday in probably the past year! She was fantastic. I got her tacked up and she looked at me like I was smoking crack. I don’t think she has had a saddle on since September. We worked on getting in a frame and some lateral work at the walk and trot and she was great.

Lily was another story. Boy was she full of piss and vinegar. Granted there was a lot going on and I have really ridden her in a couple of months but she acted a darn fool. There was a kid jumping on a trampoline that scared her, and then there were a couple two stroke motocross bikes going around and a horse loading on a trailer but this is stuff that goes on at the farm every day, so it shouldn’t be a huge deal. Well she thought it was and came up once. I got off and scolder her and sent her to the round pen. She cut flips and bucked and reared and acted like a rodeo bronc for about 5 minutes. Then she realized how out of shape she was stopped and looked at me like okay I’m done I will be good now. I hopped back on and she was amazing. Got nice and soft and round and did some great work!

Monday comes around and Keith and I head to the barn. He is getting more comfortable with the big girls so I handed him Pickles halter and said figure it out she is yours for the night. He watched me put Lily’s on and Pickles stood quiet as she could while he carefully out her nose into it and then cautiously slipped it over her ears. We groomed for about 20 minutes and then I got on Lily and he hand walked Pickles in the indoor. I got done with Lily and he cooled her off while I did some ground work with Miss Picks. Girls were both superstars especially Pickles. She is so patient and calm with Keith as he learns everything from picking feet to lunging. It also doesn’t hurt that he is always armed with plenty of cookies J

All in all, day by day, the future is looking bright. Not just for me but for my friends and family. Every day is a new start and a chance to learn from the days before. Mending fences and overcoming obstacles are to be seen as positives and I am going to try and live by that from this point forward!

Life not ponies....

So I was using this as a blog for my ponies but I think I need it more for an outlet for my life. There comes a point when you take a look back at the bridges you have burned and you sit back and wonder why. Well in my case I realize the bridges I burned never had a single thing to do with the people I burned them with. I am SUPER passive aggressive and take my problems out on people that have nothing to do with what is really going on. And there lies the problem….

Yes I am almost 30 years old but I still have trouble with conflict and bad news. I don’t know why I can’t suck it up and just be a grown up sometimes but I try to sugar coat everything or avoid the situation all together. Well it has bitten me in the butt so many times there are teeth marks everywhere.

I realized the past 4 years of my life have been a whirlwind of emotions, failures, successes and a lot of bs. I pushed the people that were closest to me away because I was unhappy with my life but I refused to change anything. So I ruined the parts that were good because I was trying to fix the part that was always going to be broken. I took my anger and frustration out on wonderful, kind people who genuinely care about me and broke friendships to the point that they will never be the same.

I still am frustrated because there are two sides to every story and to hear about the other person’s side trashing you and telling outright lies hurts even though you have physically moved on.  I guess I always wanted people to still like me after I sorted through my personal relationship but I am so bad at holding grudges for no reason I don’t think they will ever recover. I am at the point of trying to reach out and mend fences but then part of me just says move forward and on and leave the past in the past. Because with one of my burned bridges my past is still there….

I wish I could start with a clean slate and just pretend everything is hunky dory. I am realizing I have great opportunities and healthier relationships but there is still a tiny bit of guilt or sadness that keeps my stomach in knots. That I have lost friends because of something that had nothing to do with them. So as each day passes maybe things will get a little easier, maybe the tension will lift a little more and one day I can look back and see it as a learning experience rather than a bad mistake.