Frustration leads to hopeless...

So for the past two weeks Lily has been lame. It has teetered from off to down right three legged. No heat, no swelling, no abscess no nothing. So after exhausting what I thought my possibilities were (putting on front shoes) I called the vet. After blocking her in two places and doing x-rays out the whazoo...we came up with nothing except she has arthritis and needs more heel support. I am at a loss...

For 4 years now I have been patiently waiting to have the horse of my dreams. She has always been there physically but this year was going to be our year to show and go places and actually do the stuff that for the past 22 years I have wanted to do with my horse. I feel defeated in the all the hard work, long hours, unconditional love and all the progress have just some how poured down the drain when actually it hasn't. I haven't gotten the answer that she is crippled or has a suspensory tear or has navicular changes. I have a let's try this and see if it works because there is nothing obviously wrong. But that in itself just is defeating...I wish I knew what it was that wrong so I could fix it.

I don't want to show just to show. I want to show for the world to see what a great team Lily and I are. To have everyone see the relationship that has blossomed over the past 4 years and what a great bond we have. And it is funny as I write this I can't help but tear up and realize that happened today. During our appointment I realized what a bond we do have. When she was getting her nerve blocked how she just buried her head in my chest and licked my arm and never once moved while Dr. Skip did his thing. Not once but twice...they never even thought to put a twitch on her because she was just so good. Then as we were waiting for the block to take effect I crouched down in the indoor and Lily comes right up and puts her head right by me assuring me that it was okay. And then as they did x-rays she was moved on and off blocks and around the wash bay and she just kept her ear on me listening for my reassurance that she was doing good.

Maybe its not the obvious milestones I am looking for. Maybe it is instances like today that make you realize how 4 years can build a bond where you look to each other for support in tough times. I have always been lucky that I have never had to go through this with other horses and maybe I wouldn't have been able to. I always thought Pickles was my rock but I am realizing maybe I discredited Lily with having a bond like Pickles and I have. I know there are many horse people who feel the way I do and there are many who don't. All of the emotions and heart and soul you pour in everyday because the love that you have for them. Anything I can do for Lily I will and I know she feels the same. I guess time will tell and I am hoping there is an "Everything happens for a reason" to this speed bump we have encountered. Who knows in 3 weeks I could be writing about how she has recovered 110% and doing better than ever. Here is to not feeling hopeless and positive thinking from this point forward.