Life not ponies....

So I was using this as a blog for my ponies but I think I need it more for an outlet for my life. There comes a point when you take a look back at the bridges you have burned and you sit back and wonder why. Well in my case I realize the bridges I burned never had a single thing to do with the people I burned them with. I am SUPER passive aggressive and take my problems out on people that have nothing to do with what is really going on. And there lies the problem….

Yes I am almost 30 years old but I still have trouble with conflict and bad news. I don’t know why I can’t suck it up and just be a grown up sometimes but I try to sugar coat everything or avoid the situation all together. Well it has bitten me in the butt so many times there are teeth marks everywhere.

I realized the past 4 years of my life have been a whirlwind of emotions, failures, successes and a lot of bs. I pushed the people that were closest to me away because I was unhappy with my life but I refused to change anything. So I ruined the parts that were good because I was trying to fix the part that was always going to be broken. I took my anger and frustration out on wonderful, kind people who genuinely care about me and broke friendships to the point that they will never be the same.

I still am frustrated because there are two sides to every story and to hear about the other person’s side trashing you and telling outright lies hurts even though you have physically moved on.  I guess I always wanted people to still like me after I sorted through my personal relationship but I am so bad at holding grudges for no reason I don’t think they will ever recover. I am at the point of trying to reach out and mend fences but then part of me just says move forward and on and leave the past in the past. Because with one of my burned bridges my past is still there….

I wish I could start with a clean slate and just pretend everything is hunky dory. I am realizing I have great opportunities and healthier relationships but there is still a tiny bit of guilt or sadness that keeps my stomach in knots. That I have lost friends because of something that had nothing to do with them. So as each day passes maybe things will get a little easier, maybe the tension will lift a little more and one day I can look back and see it as a learning experience rather than a bad mistake.